What Does it Mean to Define Your Own Recovery?
Written by: Allyson Inez Ford, MA, LPCC
Often when people enter eating disorder therapy or seek support for recovery, they’re handed a generic script about what recovery “should” look and feel like. While it can be nice to have a sense of direction, the issue with this is that recovery is really not one size fits all. Everyone has their own unique experience of healing from an eating disorder and having an “ideal” to measure up to can feel just as suffocating as the thin ideal that got most of us trapped in an eating disorder in the first place!
Something I often do with new clients is empower them to define their own recovery. I often get a confused look in response to this prompt, which makes sense when you’ve never even considered that you are allowed to define your own path. Let’s break down what this actually means, and go over some practical steps on how to do this.
First off, what the heck inspired this?! Well, aside from my own recovery and witnessing countless humans embark on their recoveries- something that inspired me to think of self defining recovery is a quote from the Black feminist author, Audre Lorde. She says: “If I didn’t define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people’s fantasies for me and eaten alive.”
It’s pretty easy to see how this quote makes sense for any ideal society sells us, right? But what about ideals that the recovery industry sells us? What about when we are told how we are “supposed” to feel, think, behave- from the very spaces that claim to want to help us become our authentic selves? How is that true healing? And worse, how might that even hurt people?
Maybe you’ve been told things like:
“The only way to recover from an Eating Disorder is to go through all the levels of care.”
or
“You need to get rid of every behavior in order to be free from this illness.”
or
“I promise you’ll feel better when you are nourished!”
or worse….
“I promise I won’t let you get fat!” (anti-fatness MUST be addressed in eating disorder recovery- both within providers and clients)
These are, unfortunately, all to common recovery messages that people receive from providers and programs. The reality is that, we cannot gauruntee how anyone will feel when they eat more, give up behaviors or whether or not a certain program will magically be the “cure.” And when we pretend to have the answers or define someone else’s journey for them, we rob them of their agency and ability to strengthen their self trust. These message can feel shaming, especially when they don’t end up being true. If you don’t fit into the mold, you might start believing: “I must be doing recovery wrong. Maybe I’m broken.”
You are not broken. You just need the trust to define what recovery or healing from an eating disorder means to you. You need to have your definition fit your values and vision for life, not someone else’s.
The Problem with External Definitions of Recovery
Eating disorders thrive on external definitions of worth: the thin ideal, cultural beauty standards, perfectionism, productivity. Sadly, mainstream recovery messaging can sometimes mimic those same dynamics.
When recovery is defined in rigid, one-size-fits-all terms, it can become just another external authority telling you who to be and how to feel. And just like diet culture, it can leave you feeling inadequate when you don’t measure up.
In my work as an eating disorder therapist, I often see this in clients who are navigating:
Neurodivergence, which impacts not only how recovery tools land, but also someone’s worldview in general
Limited financial or social resources: let’s face it, recovery is EXPENSIVE and a huge privilege.
Unsupportive or unsafe environments: how the heck can we expect someone to give up their safety behaviors when they are quite literally, not safe?!
The ongoing impacts of trauma or oppression: eating disorders help us survive the unlivable. It’s not as simple as “just eat.”
When someone is juggling these realities, the promise that “recovery will feel better once you’re nourished” can fall flat. It doesn’t mean they’re failing. It means the mainstream definition of recovery is too narrow to reflect their truth.
Eating Disorder Recovery Isn’t One-Size-Fits-All
Some of my clients do recover on a timeline consistent with mainstream recovery narratives. But the vast majority do not. Often times, we take detours in therapy to explore different factors influencing eating behaviors and body image distress, it certainly isn’t linear or cookie cutter. What I have noticed in my decade of experience as a therapist is that lasting healing often becomes more sustainable when it comes from within. Instead of striving for someone else’s idea of recovery, you can root your process in your own wisdom, values, desires and sense of self.
Defining recovery for yourself is an act of resistance. It says: “I don’t have to fit into someone else’s fantasy.”
This shift can be profound in therapy: rather than measuring your worth against rigid milestones, you begin to create space for compassion, flexibility, and self determination. This is beautiful work, because it repairs your relationship to yourSelf- the most important relationship of all.
What If the Word “Recovery” Doesn’t Fit?
For some people, even the word recovery feels loaded. It can sound too binary; like you’re either “sick” or “recovered,” with no space for the complexity in between. It also puts pressure on finding a destination, when others feel their recovery process is ongoing and ever evolving.
Maybe “recovery” doesn’t reflect your reality- that is okay. You don’t have to use the word “recovery” at all. I encourage you to find and use the language that feels more congruent to YOU. You might not know right away, and it might change over time. There really isn’t a right or wrong (imagine that)!
Alternatives you might explore:
Healing: emphasizes wholeness and ongoing care, feels less pathologizing to some.
Becoming: honors growth and unfolding identity, mirrors the rhythm of nature.
Reclaiming: taking back agency and voice. When your ED has stolen so much from you, this one can feel so powerful.
Reconnecting: with your body, community, or sense of self.
Softening: loosening rigid patterns or harsh self-criticism/
Language is powerful. Choosing the word (or no word) that fits your experience can be a step toward self-definition and empowerment.
A Values-Driven Approach to Eating Disorder Therapy
So if recovery doesn’t have to be about fitting into a rigid definition, what can it be about?
One path (arguably one of my favorite paths) is to ground your process in your values. In therapy, I often help clients compare and contrast their values vs. their eating disorder’s values. This helps give us a framework for the areas in which our EDs bring us out of alignment with our true selves, and offer insight into the direction we’d like to go instead. Once we know what our values are, we can align our behaviors accordingly, even when it’s highly uncomfortable.
Here are some examples:
Resting more because you value having energy for your relationships.
Practicing flexibility with food because you value spontaneity and trying new things.
Challenging perfectionism because you value authenticity and individuality.
Building self-compassion because you value compassion for all people, but neglect giving it to yourself.
When recovery is values-driven, it shifts from something you “should” do into something that feels meaningful, sustainable, and yours. You might not know your values yet, don’t worry! I love showing my clients a list of values to begin exploring what resonates for them. You can find a similar list here and just start noticing which ones stick out to you and feel true to you right now. Try narrowing down to your top 10 values- these are the ones you’ll want to incorporate into your definition and reasons for recovery. They may change over time, but just focus on what stands out in this moment, you can always come back and edit your top values.
Reflection Prompts for Defining Recovery on Your own Terms
If you’re unsure where to begin, here are some prompts you might journal about or bring into therapy:
How do I want to be remembered when I am no longer on this earth?
When I look back on my life in my 80’s, what will I want to see?
How do I want to feel during this process, not just “after”?
What word(s) best describe this journey for me?
How do I know I’m living by my own definition, not someone else’s?
These questions invite you to listen inward, rather than measuring yourself against an outside standard.
Barriers to recovery are real
It’s important to acknowledge: defining recovery for yourself doesn’t erase systemic barriers. Oppression, financial stress, trauma, or lack of support are real.
Part of self-definition means giving yourself permission to move at a pace that feels accessible and to adapt your goals to your actual context.
Final Thoughts:
Whether you call it recovery, healing, or becoming, this process is yours to define. When you anchor your recovery in your values, wisdom, and truth, you create a path that restores agency instead of shame. I am sending you so much compassion, this journey is NOT for the faint of heart. If you’d like support in this process, my team is here for you. Reach out to us to schedule a free intro call to learn more about our therapy and coaching services!
