Being Mixed Race in Eating Disorder Recovery: When Belonging Is the Treatment Goal
Written by: Allyson Inez Ford, MA, LPCC
Eating Disorders as Tools of Asimiliation
I didn't have language for it for a long time. The feeling of being too much of one thing and not enough of another. Of scanning a room and doing the math: who sees me as what, who do I have to be right now, where do I fit? That kind of chronic negotiation can erode one’s sense of self- and can even begin to show up as a disconnected relationship to our own bodies and food.
This was certainly my experience, as my eating disorder began as a subconcious way to conform to whiteness and hide my true ethnicity. It wasn’t until my late twenties that I actually began to embrace my mixed race identity- looking back, I don’t think it was any coincidence that this journey of reclamation started after the trenches of eating disorder recovery.
The Dreaded “What are you?” Question Leads to "Who Am I?"
Mixed race identity development isn't a linear journey from confusion to clarity. Racial microagressions like “what are you?” happen throughout the lifespan for many mixed race folks, which means the self-doubt can too.
Kristen Renn's ecological model of mixed race identity offers an honest and realistic picture of mixed race identity development: our sense of self shifts depending on context. Who we're with, what's being asked of us. Whether we're in a space that affirms our complexity or gaslights us. It’s exhausting for a core part of yourself to be percieved vastly differently depending on the eye of the beholder, instead of being respected enough that self-identification is the norm.
It’s not just one instance of this form of microagression that causes so much self doubt, it’s the accumulation of a lifetime of “where are you from?” questions, only to be met with confusion or outright denial when you respond. You might feel grounded in one community and completely invisible in another. You might move between identities and still feel like you're performing all of them. The ecological model of racial identity development validates something mixed race people know in their bones (but often question if this makes us even less legitimate): identity isn't static and the pressure to pick a lane is a social demand, not a fact based truth.
This is important to understand in the context of eating disorder recovery. When the therapeutic frame assumes a stable, singular cultural identity, mixed race clients experience the same microaggressions they feel in the outside world, which can make the site of seeking help feel unsafe or disconnected.
Appearance Hypervigilance in Mixed RaCE people
Critical mixed race philosophy gives us a way to think about how mixed race people navigate systems, including the body heirarchy (the invisible socially constructed heirarchy that grants certain bodies as unearned privilege and others as less than human). Eating disorders are so deeply entangled with the body heirarchy, afterall, it’s hard to feel “good enough” or worth something when you are treated with less dignity and respect just because of your appearance. Colorism exists and not every mixed person has the same level of proximity to privilege (i.e. a non-white mixed person vs. a white mixed person)- which means even amongst mixed race people, there is a heirarchy.
Mixed race bodies are often racialized differently depending on phenotype, context and who's doing the looking. How I am perceived in my hometown in Washington State is very different from how I am perceived where I live now, in Southern California.
That feeling of never quite knowing how you'll be read or whether your body marks you as one thing or another, can create a particular kind of hypervigilance around appearance.
Thinnness as a compensating strategy for coping with Racism
For some mixed race people, trying to control your body’s size, shape and weight can be a way to manage that instability. If you can't control how the world categorizes you, you can control what you eat and you can try to “compensate” by achieving a thin body. You can numb your feelings of unbelonging with food too (in case it’s not clear, I don’t recommend this, but it is something that happens). If your body is already a site of racial ambiguity and projection, using it as a canvas for identity makes a certain painful kind of sense.
This isn't to say every mixed race person's eating disorder is about race. I wouldn’t have thought mine had anything to do with being mixed when I initially began recovery. I would have laughed if a therapist brought up my mixed race identity. And usually, people have various layers as to what made them vulnerable to developing an eating disorder. It wasn’t until later on in my recovery, when I was in graduate school, that I began examining the racial components to my eating disorder development. In part, this happened because my graduate school was heavily focused on social justice and promoted a lot of self-reflection (which I am so grateful for).
Belonging as a Therapeutic Goal for Multiracial Clients
A lot of eating disorder recovery frameworks focus on changing behaviors. Which makes sense- to an extent. But if the underlying wound is about belonging, about never quite having a home base in a mono-racialized world, then behavior change alone won't hold. You can change certain behaviors on the outisde and still be hurting deeply inside or have that horrid sense of eternal emptiness (and not the kind the ED likes).
That's why I think about belonging as a core part of what healing from an eating disorder or body image struggles as a mixed race person means. Renn's model of ethnic identity development (mentioned earlier) is helpful here too: recovery might involve actively identifying the contexts where you feel most whole, the communities that hold your full complexity, the spaces where you don't have to edit yourself down to fit.
This can look like reconnecting with cultural or ancestral practices that were severed or lost in generations of assimilation. Finding communities where mixed race identity is named and honored is also so key- and I will link some of my favorites below. Doing intentional identity work alongside eating disorder work, letting grief be part of the process, the chronic self doubt, the years of not fitting, the communities that asked you to ‘pick a side’ - should all be part of this journey.
What I Know From My Own Story
I've done versions of this work myself. The self-monitoring, the shape-shifting, the exhaustion of being trying to prove my ethnic legitimacy- over and over and over again. It’s exhausting but it’s why I am so passionnate when I talk about this.
What I've found, personally and clinically, is that recovery for mixed race people often involves a kind of radical self-authorization. At some point you stop waiting for a community to fully claim you and start claiming yourself. This can be one of the most powerful moments in a healing process- you find your voice and begin using it. You set boundaries with others when they misperceive you, you learn how to respond to microaggressions and you build strength in community with other mixed people.
Eventually, you just stop organizing your life and your eating around trying to disappear and hide all of this.
You don’t have to do this alone.
You deserve care that holds your whole story, including the parts that are hard to categorize.
If you're mixed race and navigating an eating disorder, I want you to know that healing is 100% possible, you just have to find your people!
My practice works with therapy clients across California, Washington, Utah, Tennessee, Maryland and Florida who are navigating eating disorders, body image, racial identity and more.
If you're looking for a therapist who understands the intersection of race, culture, and eating disorder recovery, I'd love to connect.
You can schedule a free 15-minute intro call to see if we're a good fit.
Favorite Resources for Mixed Race Belonging:
The Mixed Girl Meet up- Global Online and In Person Events Hosted by Shakayra Stern @themixedgirlmeetup
Critical Mixed Race Studies Association (CMRSA) @criticalmixedracestudies
Multiracial Association of Southern California (MASC) @multiracialamericans
The Mixed + Multiracial Guide To Wellbeing, a book by Namalee Bolle @namaleebolle
The Mixed Race Belonging Collective (online) by Raina LaGrand @mixedracebelonging
Mixed in America (website and social media @mixedinamerica with lots of resources and learning)
Mixed Race Meditation Group @mixedracemeditation
