Eating Disorders, Unstable Relationships and the Pattern No One Warns You About
Written by: Allyson Inez Ford, MA, LPCC
Confusion, shame and Attachment Pain
Something that has been true in my own recovery from an eating disorder, and something I see again and again in the lives of my clients, is this: at some point in the journey, many of us find ourselves caught in cycles of unhealthy, codependent or even abusive relationships. Sometimes this happens before recovery and is fuel for an eating disorder to develop, sometimes people find themselves caught up in these dynamics during recovery and often times after eating disorder behaviors have significantly improved. We hear about the ‘before’ and ‘during’ part in general eating disorder discourse, but it tends to stop at ‘the eating disorder was a coping skill for attachment trauma.’ And yes, that can be true, but what do we do with that, and what about when it shows up after eating disorder recovery, aren’t we supposed to be healed now?
When I first noticed this pattern in my own life, I felt confused and ashamed. I thought recovery was supposed to mean healthier relationships. I assumed that if I was “doing better,” this wouldn’t keep happening.
But it did. Over and over again, in both partners and friendships, until I leaned into the next layer of healing that these wounds and patterns called for. And then I started seeing it everywhere in my clinical work.
That’s when I got curious and wondered-what is actually going on here? Why does this pattern show up so consistently for people with eating disorders- and why is no one really talking about this in the recovery space? If you’ve ever wondered about this too, let’s slow down and take a deeper look, I’ll share what I have learned and how I help my clients move through this chapter of relational healing after an eating disorder.
Eating Disorders as Pseudo Attachment Figures
To understand why unstable relationship tend to go hand in hand with eating disorders, we need to understand how many people relate to their eating disorder. Often, how we relate to the eating disorder, mirrors how we relate to people. For example, if we are restrictive in our eating disorder, we might deny ourselves intimacy or emotional closeness, though we actually want it, we might be terrified of it. For those who binge and purge, you might struggle with a push-pull dynamic in your relationships. You keep reaching out for closeness and intimacy, but at the same time fear it and want to get rid of it. These things play out totally unconsciously- when I was struggling with anorexia, I would have told you I was completely fine in my relationships. It felt fine because I was used to guarding myself against vulnerability and turning down my emotions, not because it actually was fine.
For many people, eating disorders serve as a kind of pseudo attachment figure when early caregivers were not predictable, warm, attuned or emotionally present enough. In some cases, caregivers were not just misattuned but actively harmful. When relationships feel unsafe, inconsistent, or overwhelming- disconnecting from others can feel like the most protective move available. Our families of origin pave the foundation of our attachment security (or insecurity) and act as a blueprint of all future relationships, they have tremendous impact on the rest of our lives.
Eating disorders offer something deceptively powerful in this context. When we don’t get our emotional and safety needs met growing up, eating disorders numb that pain. They provide a sense of identity and belonging, they create the illusion that we don’t need others, as long as we have the eating disorder. I know this sounds so bizarre to someone who hasn’t had the struggle of an eating disorder, but it’s an experience so common amongst the people I work with. The eating disorder feels like a friend at first, and then later a toxic ex you can’t get rid of. Let me also just say that this is NOT everyone’s experience with an eating disorder. Some people do not resonate with this concept, which is totally okay! Eating disorders are different for everyone.
However, in my own experience, living with an eating disorder genuinely felt like it took the place of a relationship. It became the source of worth, identity and emotional regulation. It was all-consuming, leaving very little space or capacity for other connections. In many ways, it also detached me from my own needs, which reduced vulnerability and dependence on others, something I had learned to fear. Growing up in an environment of neglect and at times- abuse- this felt like a safe haven at first. It was something I could depend on in a way I could not depend consistently on others. That’s not to say I had ‘bad’ parents. My parents, like many others, did the best they could with the resources, awareness and capacity they had. At times though, that fell short.
In my recovery process, I had to learn to develop a nourishing inner relationship that wasn’t about numbing or denying my emotions and voice, but rather about presence and compassion to my self and my inner world. This allowed me to begin taking care of myself and gradually move away from the eating disorder. This was the most important part of my healing journey, the issue is, I didn’t learn how to discern healthy vs. unhealthy relationships until much later. Instead, I opened up to almost anyone who would listen or who seemed fun, lively and exciting- something I was craving after years lived in the “grey” dullness of anorexia. In other words, the pendulum swung and no one talked to me about things like boundaries, love-bombing, gaslighting, conflict resolution skills or relationship green and red flags. Sadly, living in a patriarchal society, partners who exude control and coercion (regardless of gender) are all too common, it wasn’t hard to find myself in dynamics that weren’t actually about genuine love, but more about control and projection.
Recovery can Leave Us emotionally Raw and Hungry for Connection
So because I was in this space of extreme vulnerability, and really longing for connection, I ended up in relationships that felt close, looked close, but were actually more emotionally enmeshed than intimately close. This is what I knew, and what my attachment system brought me back to. Sometimes familiar feels comfortable, even if its not safe.
So what happens when eating disorder behaviors lessen, weight stabilizes, rituals soften and life opens up again, yet relationships still feel chaotic, unsafe or painful? Maybe you keep thinking you figured it out, learned the lesson, but there you are again, in a relationship dynamic where you are slowing losing yourself, quieting your needs and being covertly controlled. Maybe the relationship started out seeming like nothing but green flags, and now you feel dumbfounded as to what the heck happened. Maybe you overlooked beige flags that turned into red flags because you so desperately wanted to not be alone anymore. Both of these are understandable, this relational learning is apart of many people’s coming of age experience, not just those with eating disorders.
I know for me, I kept asking myself: Shouldn’t recovery mean healthier relationships by now? I had been in therapy for years, shouldn’t I know better?
Recovery from an eating disorder often removes a coping strategy before a person has learned another way to experience attachment safely. Yes, we learn ways to cope with eating disorder urges but oftentimes we aren’t taught about how to cope with the underlying stuff- like relationship struggles. When the eating disorder is no longer available to regulate emotions, provide identity or offer a sense of control, we may start looking for safety elsewhere, and miss the important ask of finding that within ourselves first. I don’t mean we have to love ourselves before we can be loved or love another- I mean, that if we don’t learn how to tend to our own emotional needs, we may seek out someone who gives off the vibe they can do this for us. We externalize this process and it creates a vulnerability that can easily be taken advantage of.
Sometimes we feel damn tired of taking care of ourselves, that we outsource this more consciously, willing to look past the warning signs because we just want the comfort and to be taken care of. Again, if you grew up with chronic emotional neglect like me, this makes total sense. We do need people, and you shouldn’t have to do it all on your own. The only issue is when we operate from this wounded place we are likely to take the breadcrumbs of what others offer us and call it good enough. Eventually, this recreates the neglect of our original wound and here we are again- in a cycle we thought we were past.
A Depth Psychology Perspective
From a depth-oriented lens, eating disorders often give expression to experiences that could not yet be spoken or safely held in relationship. Restriction, bingeing, purging, and control can all function as metaphors for how someone learned to manage closeness, need, power, or longing. When those behaviors begin to heal, the underlying relational themes do not disappear. They often move into the foreground of a person’s relational life. This is why attempts to find safety after eating disorder recovery can sometimes recreate the very patterns someone is trying to avoid. The psyche reaches for what it knows and without awareness of this, we are likely to fall back into similar relational patterns. In other words, it makes sense that many of us fall into this cycle and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Becoming aware is the first step in being able to shift this.
What Healing Can Look Like
In my opinion eating disorder treatment should focus more on developing healthy relational skills. Actually, I think these things should be taught in school- they really are some of the most foundational life skills. Relationships impact the quality of our lives more than any other factor, so why don’t we learn about relational well-being?!
Relational healing after an eating disorder often involves learning about your attachment style, learning to discern between healthy relationship dynamics vs. unhealthy ones, learning about safe conflict resolution, effective communication, what genuine, authentic love really is—and unlearning virtually everything you’ve been taught by the media and Disney movies. Bell Hooks book, All About Love and The Power of Attachment by Diane Heller, were key books in my learning around this, I highly recommend checking out these resources. Of course healing also includes a lot of grief and self- compassion.
Identifying the Pattern, Grieving, and Pivoting
One of the most important steps in healing this pattern is naming it without judgment. There is often grief here. Grief for the relationships that were hoped for but never existed. Grief for the ways survival required shrinking, numbing or enduring harm in relationships. Grief for the fact that recovery is not as linear or tidy as we were promised. Grief for the little you inside- that just wants to be loved. Grief for the versions of you that acted outside of your values to try to obtain love. Grief for a lifetime of being told in relationships that you’re too much, too sensitive or not enough. Grief for not getting what you needed growing up from your caregivers.
Only after that grief is acknowledged and witnessed, can a real pivot happen. And this process takes time. It’s heavy work and most of the time, we need support moving through this. Support from a trusted friend whom you can talk about this stuff with, support groups or therapy that focuses on the client-therapist relationship through the lens of attachment (otherwise known as relational therapy).
Therapy that integrates eating disorder recovery with attachment-informed and depth-oriented work can support this phase of healing in a meaningful way. Rather than focusing only on symptoms, therapy can help explore how relational patterns formed, what they once protected, and how new ways of relating can slowly take shape. Often times, the client-therapist relationship becomes a safe space to practice asserting your needs, expressing your feelings and working through ruptures. These are all valuable lessons that can be transferred to your everyday relationships.
If relationships feel harder after eating disorder recovery, it does not mean you are failing or going backward. Often, it means you are ready for the deeper work. If this resonates with you and you want to learn more or begin healing, please reach out to us for more information. We offer free 15 minute consultation calls and would love to hear from you!
How Therapy Can Help
Therapy that integrates eating disorder recovery with attachment-informed and depth-oriented work can support this phase of healing in a meaningful way. Rather than focusing only on symptoms, therapy can help explore how relational patterns formed, what they once protected, and how new ways of relating can slowly take shape. Often times, the client-therapist relationship becomes a safe space to practice asserting your needs, expressing your feelings and working through ruptures. These are all valuable lessons that can be transferred to your everyday relationships.
If relationships feel harder after eating disorder recovery, it does not mean you are failing or going backward. Often, it means you are ready for the deeper work. If this resonates with you and you want to learn more or begin healing, please reach out to us for more information. We offer free 15 minute consultation calls and would love to hear from you!
