What Determines the Type of OCD Theme You Struggle With? Understanding Your ‘Feared Possible Self.’
I remember the first OCD theme that completely rocked my world and shook me to the core. It made me question everything about myself. Nothing worked to resolve the intense doubt I felt- and that is because something deeper was happening. Something not so obvious to my conscious thought process at the time. The ‘fear of who I could be’ was operating underneath my OCD theme- which was fixated on harm. Until I identified that and worked though the vulnerabilities causing me to doubt who I was deep down, OCD kept ping-ponging on different ways I could cause harm: “Would I purposely push my baby off a cliff? What if I snapped and smothered him? What if my brain broke, and I shouted hurtful things to my clients? What if I wanted to slam on the brakes in the middle of traffic? What if a natural disaster happens, and my mom doesn’t know she needs to escape?” These sort of intrusive thoughts happened over the span of my entire life, with different degrees of intensity, but I never understood why I had such horrifying thoughts. I didn't tell anyone, I felt so embarrassed and bad for having them. I was worried they would send me to the hospital or think I actually wanted to act on those things. Acting on them was the last thing I ever wanted to do, they terrified me. I tried many things to make them go away, but they kept coming back until I learned about OCD and the concept of the ‘feared possible self.’
What is the “Feared Possible Self”?
When you have OCD, your Feared Possible Self (FPS) is:
The person you are afraid you could be if your obsessions came true.
It is based in possibility and imagination.
It ego-dystonic, meaning it doesn’t match the way you want to see yourself.
It is a doubt focused on your identity- i.e. “I am a bad and embarrassing person.” or “I am irresponsible and reckless.” “I am unloveable and disgusting.”
It is the ‘algorithm of your OCD’- you will only have doubts/obsessions that are related to your feared possible self.
Like a magnet that collects your particular bundle of obsessional doubts/ intrusive thoughts.
Your feared possible self could be influenced by past traumas and experiences- or it could have latched on to a story you heard about someone else that scared you. For example, if you were abused as a child, you might fear becoming an abusive person. You know how bad it hurts, and the only thing worse than being abused, would be to be the abuser. So your mind develops this pervasive and obsessional doubt in an effort to protect you from becoming that. It plays out subconsciously like this: “If I can scan for every possible way I might be this horrible person, I can prevent and control it.” And then that is where the safety behaviors or “compulsions” come in. To stop you from becoming your fear. Only, it can’t stop anything, and only keeps you stuck and focused on that fear, as if it is actually real! It keeps your attention on this imagined concept- versus in reality. Yes, your feared possible self is your imagination. It takes “facts” out of context and relies on “possibility.” It makes you distrust your senses and make irrelevant associations. The worst part is, your sense of self gets lost in constant doubt of who you fear you could be.
If you are having trouble identifying your feared possible self, ask yourself this:
What do your themes have in common?
List out all of your compulsions. What are you trying to precent from happening by doing these compulsions?
Finish the sentence: “Maybe I am/ could be someone who….”
What would it mean about me if my intrusive thoughts were true?
Where do we go from here? how do I uncover my “real self?”
As you can probably gather, a big part of OCD recovery is understanding your ‘feared possible self’ and recognizing when you are getting sucked into that imaginative, confused, “OCD Bubble” state of mind. Instead of going there, you can learn to trust your “real self.”
Before we dive into who your ‘real self’ is and believe it, you’ll most likely need to understand more about your specific obsessional narrative and OCD’s tricks. This is best done with an I-CBT trained therapist, as we can help you identity where you are: over relying on possibility, dismissing actual evidence, distrusting your senses and making irrelevant associations. These are all concepts from I-CBT that will help you build awareness of why OCD is faulty, imaginative and not worth dictating your life around. When we understand the obsessional reasoning process, we gain agency in how we want to proceed- with compulsions? Or, by practicing trusting our “real self” ?
To give you an idea of your “real self”- it is defined by:
Your observable actions, not your inner thoughts.
Your values, ethics and principles—not your fears and doubts or past experiences.
Other people’s descriptions of you.
Your dreams, hopes and interests.
Your inner sense data: what you can actually see, hear, touch, smell, taste in the present moment.
Like I mentioned earlier, there are many steps to work through to get to a place where you know and trust your “real self". There is a lot of caveats and nuance that I can’t capture in this bog post. However, I hope this gives you a little bit of an idea of what we would target in I-CBT when treating OCD.
Final Thoughts
You can learn more about I-CBT and how it is different from ERP here. Most clients do best with a blend of these concepts, while others really resonate with one approach more than the other. We are here to help you figure out the best, most effective OCD treatment for your unique brain. Please do not hesitate to reach out to one of our therapists to begin healing from OCD today. We would be truly honored to work with you!
At Eating Disorder OCD Therapy, we offer compassionate, relational, and individualized care, rooted in the belief that healing is not one-size-fits-all. Honoring client autonomy, collaboration, and anti-oppressive, neurodivergent-affirming practices, we walk alongside you as the expert in your own life. We provide therapy for Eating Disorders, OCD, Body Image, Trauma, Maternal Mental Health, and offer Ketamine Assisted Psychotherapy (KAP), Group Therapy (globally), Recovery Coaching (globally), and Clinical Consultation and Supervision for clinicians. We are currently accepting new clients for in-person therapy in San Diego and virtual services in California, Washington, Utah, and Florida.
