Pride, Visibility and OCD
Written by Reece Thomas, CMHC, Eating Disorder & OCD Therapist at ED & OCD Therapy
Happy Pride Month!
This year’s Pride is really important; every year is of course, but with the current political landscape, it can feel extra charged. I already notice an increase in communications of fear as it can be a scary time to feel visible right now. One of the beautiful parts of this year’s Pride, however, is that it can remind us that Pride started as a riot, that it started with visibility for the most marginalized, at a time where it didn’t feel safe. I think many of us can relate to the experience of wanting to celebrate our identities and claim our right to existence while also feeling the fear of what that visibility might mean and our sense of safety.
Visibility & PRide
At a time when visibility can feel extra scary, it also makes sense that OCD might be extra loud. One way of understanding OCD is that it is trying really hard to protect you and help you feel in control and safe, especially when you’ve had experiences of powerlessness. You probably know this, but OCD stands for obsessive-compulsive disorder. I like to re-iterate that, though, because media can minimize the painful experience by using phrases like “obsessive cleaning disorder” or otherwise associating OCD with a silly, fun quirky trait or euphemism for someone who likes things a certain way. These narratives contribute towards the stereotypes of people with OCD as perfectionists, people who wash their hands a lot or are super organized.
Stereotypes are Harmful
One of the problems with this stereotyping is that it greatly reduces the visibility of other manifestations of OCD. This is important because if you are someone who has a messy room or doesn’t wash your hands multiple times, you might not think you have OCD. Lack of awareness around OCD can perpetuate isolating experiences of worrying you are responsible for keeping the people you love safe or contribute to shame spirals because you worry your thoughts are “gross” or “bad”, and that if other people knew what your brain came up with, your relationships would never be the same.
Real OCD: What it actually is
OCD is comprised of intrusive thoughts or obsessions followed by compulsions, the latter of which can be physical (i.e. handwashing, repeating prayers, checking locks several times) or mental (i.e. ruminating, repeating words and phrases). The intrusive thoughts are egodystonic, which means they are opposite to what you value. This is really important to distinguish because the stereotypical love for organization or cleanliness is, in more clinical terms, egosyntonic: it is something you desire and like or want to do. The experience of OCD is often described as painful, debilitating, shame-inducing, and unbearable. Pretty different than the casual expression of being “so OCD”…
OCD ANd Sexuality
Here are some specific ways that OCD might show up around sexuality:
Questioning if you are “really queer” or secretly lying to others (or yourself) about your identity (i.e. maybe to fit in, worrying you are “doing it for attention” – this is in quotes because I think it is absolutely normal and okay to want people to see you and “attention-seeking” can diminish that very understandable human need)
Worrying you are lying to others if you are trying out a label but aren’t “sure”; for example, worrying that if you are generally attracted to femmes but once dated a man and identify as a lesbian, that you are lying because of that one experience
Fear that not disclosing your sexuality is dishonest, confessing to others about your sexuality even if you don’t really want to share
Look up pictures of people with similar gender identities to you and checking your body for signs of attraction or arousal to “make sure” you are not lying about your sexuality or to try to prove it to yourself
Does this mean you have OCD?
If you are thinking to yourself, aren’t these questions that a lot of people ask themselves? Does that mean that if you are thinking this way, you have OCD? That’s a great thought! First, I agree, I think these are valuable questions that anyone can ask themselves, regardless of whether or not they have OCD, especially if these questions are guided by our values instead of by shame. For example, asking yourself if you are “really queer enough” (whatever that means!) makes a lot of sense in a world filled with bi-erasure and where there is debate around who is included in the 2SLGBTQIA+ umbrella. You might also want to be mindful of how much space you are taking up if you also have a lot of privileged identities. If you grew up with a lot of messaging around how queer people could be “changed” through conversion therapy or being taught that “you’re not really queer and those feelings will go away as you grow up”, then it makes sense that in your exploration, you might find yourself asking these questions.
“Where it might start to present more in the realm of OCD is if you find yourself so stuck on the existential question of whether or not you are “queer enough”— so much so that you don’t allow yourself to attend queer support groups or events or find yourself asking strangers or friends repeatedly if they think you are a fraud and aren’t “really queer.”
Uncertainty and OCD
One common theme of OCD is difficulty accepting uncertainty, it can feel like you have to find an answer and know for sure. A lot of the experiences listed above are also, importantly, rooted in the systems of oppression in which we all exist: homophobia teaches us to doubt our sexuality and accept heterosexuality as “the norm.” Cisheteronormativity teaches us that we should question anything that goes outside of its established norms including feelings of attraction and obligation to share information about ourselves with others. And so, in some ways, I like to think of OCD as a framework for helping us understand the ways in which many of us internalize the messages of systemic oppression and embody the belief that we cannot trust ourselves, the very understandable experience of creating strategies in compensation to feelings of powerlessness, distrust and disconnection.
Trans + nonbinary folks with OCD
I want to talk about one unique experience in particular around how OCD can show up for trans/non-binary humans. It is extremely painful the ways in which the US has decided that some people’s right to exist is a debate. The right to use bathrooms that reflect our correct gender identity and fear-mongering stereotypes around trans people as predatory come to mind. This is really important because it can negatively contribute towards our experience of OCD by increasing self-questioning, “if other people believe this about me, what does that mean?”, even though it isn’t based on evidence or truth.
Everyone has intrusive thoughts (well, about 93.6% of the world, so likely you, too). A classic example is of someone driving and thinking, “what if I just swerved off this bridge.” For some people, this thought might not even take up a minute of space in their minds. They might think, “oh that was a wild thought, moving along.” For others, they might pause and check in, “oh my, that was an interesting thought, I wonder if it’s a signal that I need to go back to therapy or check in with how my mental health is”. Still for others, perhaps with OCD, that thought might take root and create a mental spiral: “oh no, am I a dangerous person? Should I be driving at all? Do I want to hurt myself or others? Other people aren’t safe to drive with me, I should turn myself in to the police, just in case” and on and on and on.
OCD brains tend to fixate on the very things we try to avoid thinking about.
This is because if we tell our brains that something is really important NOT to think about, our brains register that as danger – if I’m supposed to try really hard not to think about something, I also have to remember to think about the thing I’m not supposed to think about, and thus it continues to live rent-free in my brain.
Some things to remember:
Trans people are not inherently predatory or a threat (I hate that I even have to state this, but it feels really important)
If you are not trans, it’s really important to do your work around unlearning biases and fear-mongering media – anti-transness harms all of us because it’s less about gender constructs and more about desire for control and power over others and conformity, which threatens the majority of us
If you are trans, your identity is not a threat to others, your transness is not dangerous, but rather it is powerful, fierce, beautiful, and deeply good. I wonder if you can start to identify where some of the intrusive self-doubting thoughts might be coming from: are the thoughts stemming from internalizations of other peoples’ fears? Are they projections of shame from people in your past? One of my favorite things to ask others when struggling with self-compassion is, what would you say to a friend? And then, practice redirecting that toward yourself.
This Pride month, if you are someone with OCD, I encourage you to be extra gentle with yourself and to reach out for support. Your brain and body might be feeling extra anxious about your safety and that of others, which can increase distress and attempts to cope with compulsions.
Here are some reminders for humans with OCD:
You are not your thoughts.
You are not more likely to do something just because you have a thought about it.
Everyone has intrusive thoughts.
Your thoughts are not a reflection of your character.
Final Thoughts
You are not alone in the thoughts that scare you, and you deserve to feel safe and cared for in processing all that comes up. I hope this Pride month you can hold both validation for the understandable fears around visibility and find space to celebrate yourself, happy happy Pride! Please reach out if you would like support for this experience, as a queer therapist with OCD, I would be honored to help you find relief! I work with therapy clients in Washington and Utah, as well as recovery coaching worldwide.
You can also find Reece on their IG @therapywithreece
