Written by: Allyson Inez Ford, MA, LPCC | Founder of Eating Disorder & OCD Therapy San Diego
Pushing away OCD Intrusive thoughts backfires
When you start your OCD healing journey, you quickly learn that trying to push away intrusive thoughts or argue with them, only makes the intrusive thoughts stronger.
It is so natural to want to try to push away OCD thoughts, they bring so much discomfort! However, since it only makes OCD louder, a big part of healing is learning different ways to respond to the intrusive thoughts in a way that does not fuel the OCD cycle. One of the new ways you can try responding is via the use of non-engagement responses (NER). This was a game changer in my own OCD recovery journey.
Engagement vs. Non-Engagement with OCD:
Like the name sounds, this technique is all about intentionally not engaging with the things OCD is telling you. Not engaging doesn’t mean dismissing though. It also does not mean you like the thought. It simply means noticing the thought without judging it, and choosing not to place further attention on it.
Understanding the difference between engaging and not engaging with intrusive thoughts matters so much when it comes to OCD recovery. Engaging keeps us stuck in the OCD, and intentionally not engaging is our ticket out of the cycle.
Common examples of engaging with OCD:
Resisting thoughts- whiles this might seem like disengaging, it actually signals to the brain that this must be a threat and makes the brain focus on it more. Kind of like telling someone to not think of a white elephant, they are very likely to struggle to not think about it at that point.
Judging thoughts (good or bad/appropriate or inappropriate)
Hating thoughts (this is judgement and reinforces to OCD that some thoughts are good and some are bad, when in reality, thoughts are just thoughts. It’s actions that can be good or bad).
Wishing you didn’t have certain thoughts
Trying to control thoughts
Feeling guilty or disgusted about having certain thoughts (tells your OCD you do not approve of the thought which is like judging it)
Distracting yourself and trying to not notice thoughts (this is similar to resisting)
Freezing or being stuck and not doing anything (tells your OCD that there is real reason for existing as this signals real danger to the brain)
Fight, flight,or freeze responses all increase OCD
We cannot choose what thoughts pop into our brain, however, we CAN choose how we engage with the thought and how much attention we give it. This is why non-engagement responses work with OCD, they acknowledge the anxiety the thought brings, but the “thinking” doesn’t go beyond that. Instead, we practice uncertainty and tolerating the discomfort of not needing to ‘figuring it out.’
The Junk Mail Metaphor in OCD Recovery
A common metaphor I use with clients can help put this into perspective. I call it the junk mail metaphor. When you open your mail, you likely have a mix of junk mail such as reminders to re-subscribe to that meal delivery service you tried once or annoying ads from local political campaigns. Imagine the junk mail as your intrusive thoughts. You did not ask for them, but they there any ways. You can notice them and not open them or you can open every single junk letter, think about the content of it over and over, ask if your neighbors got the same annoying ad, google the company, etc, etc.
The more time you spend engaging with the junk mail, the more space it takes up in your brain. If you respond to the person sending you the junk mail, you probably will just get more. Most people notice the junk mail, then intuitively set it to the side or toss it out. They might say something to themselves like “oh there’s that religious charity again sending me another donation request.” But that’s the extent of it. No spiraling into ‘what if’ thoughts.
Example of how This Plays Out
Now apply this to OCD. You get the thought “What if I actually am not attracted to my partner and I am living a lie by being in this relationship?” (this is a classic intrusive thought for relationship themed obsessions). If you have ROCD, you might start engaging with the thought by ruminating about it and think that it means something true about your feelings towards your partner.
Maybe you then start googling how to tell if you are truly attracted to someone. Maybe you start surveying all your friends in relationships to gauge how much they feel attracted to their partners. At that point, the OCD cycle has started, your attention is being placed on this distressing thought instead of simply noticing it and saying, “I’m anxious about my relationship, that’s okay” and moving on. (Caveat: anything I write about ROCD does not apply to abusive relationships and domestic violence).
The treatment goal here is do the latter, and there are a variety of responses you can try that will help you disengage from giving OCD more attention, these are called the non-engagement responses (NER).
Here are some of my favorite non-engagement responses to OCD Intrusive thoughts:
“Hmm that would suck, but I would handle it.” - anxiety and OCD makes us feel like we cannot cope with our fears, so acknowledging that if the thought is true it would be hard but cope-able, is a great way of stopping the urge to continue ruminating.
“Yep, I’m anxious about that” - then shifting your attention back to the present moment and allowing the anxiety and discomfort to be there without doing anything else with the thought. The paradox here, if you let anxiety just be there and continue on with your day, it will naturally rise and fall on it’s own. Your body is designed to do this without your intervention.
“I can’t know for sure either way, no matter how much time I spend thinking about this possibilty.” - this helps you lean into the inherent uncertainty within all intrusive thoughts. Remember that OCD wants us to be certain, so leaning into the reality that there is uncertainty in everything instead of trying to figure it out, stops the OCD cycle. *some people find the concept of functional certainty to be useful, more info on that in a separate blog.
“Maybe, maybe not.” - Again, this one reflects uncertainty and stops the OCD cycle.
There are many others you can try and you can even come up with your own! The goal with NER’s is not to avoid discomfort. You likely will feel uncomfortable and anxious by not engaging with the thought and embracing uncertainty. We want to build up tolerance to that discomfort, not avoid it. Overtime it gets easier to manage and all of this becomes more like background noise in your brain. Don’t get me wrong, its really hard to train your brain to do this, but it is possible, especially with the support of an OCD specialist.
Effective Non-Engagement Responses need to include one of more of these elements:
Affirmation of anxiety - “I’m anxious about this, it’s ok to be anxious.”
Affirmation of uncertainty - “I’ll never know for sure, no matter how much time I spend thinking about this.”
Affirmation of possibility - “Maybe, maybe not”
Affirmation of difficulty - “This is really hard but I can do hard things.”
OCD gets weaker when we intentionally build up our capacity to disengage. It takes a lot of practice and patience, but this tool really does work for many OCD sufferers.
Reminders for practicing Non-engagement with OCD:
Being open to all thoughts and the anxiety they may bring (the goal is not to avoid anxiety)
Neutrality about all thoughts (nonjudgment)
Just ‘noticing’ a thought but not connecting
Not being criticial of thoughts
Radical acceptance of all thoughts (does not mean you like them)
Being compassionate with yourself about thoughts (you have no control over your thoughts and OCD is rough, being gentle with yourself is key)
Being ok with all emotions and still doing what you want to do while letting the distressing emotions exist.
Accepting and being compassionate about past behaviors
Labeling a thought and refocusing your awareness back to the present moment
I hope this is helpful. Please let me know what you think in the comments or by sending us a message!
Looking for specialized OCD therapy in California?
Our team has multiple OCD specialists with lived experience. We have been in your shoes. We have learned these skills first hand and we have so much compassion for anyone struggling. We would love to help you learn them too so that you can have more freedom from OCD. Reach out to schedule a free 15 minute phone consultation to get started.
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