7 Things People With OCD Want Their Loved Ones to Know
Written by Allyson Inez Ford, LPCC | Founder of ED & OCD Therapy
OCD is highly misunderstood
Even by the people who love someone living with it. Pop culture and social media tend to characterize OCD as quirky preferences for order or cleanliness, which leaves out the actual experience: the intrusive thoughts about a wide variety of fears, the safety behaviors or rituals, the countless hours of mental compulsions that happen all throughout the day and night (yes, OCD even pops up in sleep).
If someone in your life has OCD, you can play a vital role in their recovery process just by understanding what might be going on for them internally and showing compassion for their fears versus judgment or dismissal.
In the worst of my OCD, my partner’s support meant everything to me- knowing that even though he didn’t have first hand experience of OCD, I could turn to him without judgement and receive support and encouragement that propelled my recovery forward versus invalidation or even well-intentioned support that ends up fueling the OCD (which is unfortunately all to common).
If someone in your life has OCD, here are a few things they Likely wish you understood:
1. The Intrusive thoughts are not a reflection of who they are
Intrusive thoughts can be violent, sexual, blasphemous or otherwise deeply disturbing and they often target the things a person cares about most. Having these thoughts doesn't mean someone secretly wants to act on them or that the thoughts reveal something true about their character. The content of an intrusive thought is not a confession or secret desire- it is a symptom of one of the most debilitating mental health conditions.
2. Reassurance feels helpful in the moment, but it usually keeps the OCD cycle going
When someone with OCD asks you "Are you sure everything is okay? Are you sure I am not a danger to you?" for the fifth time, it can be tempting to just answer the question to ease their distress. Plus, you likely really do stand by whatever you are reassuring them about- since intrusive thoughts are so opposite to the person’s actual character and values. But offering reassurance repetitively, even when authentic and well-meaning, tends to reinforce the OCD cycle rather than stop it. It can help to gently name what's happening instead: "I know this is hard, and I'm not going to answer that right now because I want to support your treatment."
Caveat: I think it’s human to reassure people, even with OCD. In my opinion, a one time reassurance is fine, it’s when it’s repetitive that it tends to fuel OCD. You can even say “I already answered that, me saying it again isn’t going to help your OCD, but I know this is hard and I am here for you. How about I just sit with you while you practice tolerating uncertainty instead.”
3. Compulsions are not a choice in the way they might look
Compulsions can look like stubbornness, control or overreaction from the outside. From the inside, they often feel involuntary, driven by a level of anxiety or dread that's hard to ignore. Someone with OCD isn't staying up all night to track their baby’s breathing or checking the stove three times because they want to. They're doing it because their brain is telling them something terrible will happen if they don't. The consequences feel catastrophic, often times life or death.
Of course, when someone is actively in OCD recovery, reducing compulsions is one of the main goals; but let them work on this with their therapist, don’t become their therapist or tell them what to do- unless they ask for specific support on holding them accountable to resist compulsions. It can feel infantilizing and shame inducing otherwise.
4. OCD can attach to anything, including relationships
Relationship OCD can cause someone to obsessively question whether they truly love their partner, whether their partner truly loves them, or whether the relationship is "right." This can be confusing and painful for both people involved. It's not a sign of relationship trouble. It's OCD doing what OCD does: finding the thing that matters most and attacking it. Try not to take it personally because it really is not about you, but do absolutely set boundaries around relationship talks that feel repetitive and out of context. This doesn’t mean shut down every conversation about the relationship either, when in doubt, refer to your loved one’s OCD therapist to explore which types of relationship talks might be fueling OCD versus which ones are fostering genuine relational growth.
5. Accommodating OCD, even with good intentions, can make it worse
Family members and partners often adjust their own behavior to help a loved one avoid distress; things like avoiding certain words, performing rituals alongside them, or restructuring routines around their intrusive thoughts. This is called family accommodation, and while it comes from love, it tends to strengthen OCD's grip over time. Learning what accommodation looks like, and how to reduce it gradually and compassionately, is often part of effective treatment.
6. Treatment is uncomfortable by design
Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP), the gold standard treatment for OCD, works by helping someone face the things that trigger their obsessions (intrusive thoughts) without performing the compulsion that usually follows. It is genuinely hard, and it can look like your loved one is more distressed during treatment, not less. That discomfort is often a sign that the work is happening, not that something has gone wrong. Trust the process and encourage them to lean into the discomfort. Over time, the distress goes down and the fears lose their grip!
Other treatment approaches for OCD exist alongside ERP, including Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and Inference Based CBT (I-CBT)- personally I think a blend of these modalities is the way.
7. They already know the thoughts don't make sense, and that's part of what's so hard
Many people with OCD are painfully aware that their fears are irrational or unlikely. This awareness doesn't make the anxiety go away. In some ways, it makes things harder, because they're left fighting a fear they know isn't rational but can't seem to reason their way out of. Statements like "just don't think about it" or "you know that's not true" usually aren't helpful, even when they're well-intentioned. Instead, say something like: “It must feel really confusing and hard to experience this, I am here for you.”
The NUmber One thing to Remember when Supporting Someone With OCD
You must learn to sit with your own discomfort about their OCD experience without trying to fix it. Resisting the urge to offer reassurance, and trusting the treatment process even when it looks uncomfortable from the outside is really hard, but it is the best thing you can do to support them. It is the loving thing to do. It also means remembering that OCD is not a character flaw or a preference. It's a mental health condition that responds well to the right kind of treatment, and your understanding can make a huge difference in someone's recovery.
Reach out Today to become a client
If you or someone you love is struggling with OCD, specialized support is available. We offer a free 15-minute intro call for people with OCD in California, Florida, Maryland, Tennessee, Utah and Washington. Reach out today and let's talk about what treatment could look like for you!
