Common Challenges of Mixed Neurotype Relationships
Written by: Allyson Inez Ford, MA, LPCC | Founder of ED & OCD Therapy San Diego
It can be a challenging and painful experience to love someone deeply while also feeling like there is something fundamentally different about the way your brain is wired and the way your partner’s is. Especially when this results in being continuously mispercieved or over personalizing things that have nothing to do with you (which is really hard not to do especially if you have rejection sensitivity and its your romantic partner!). All of this can leave you feeling unseen, uncared for, confused and hopeless.
When I work with individual clients in mixed neurotype relationships, especially relationships where one partner is autistic and the other has ADHD (though neurodivergence also encompasses experiences like OCD, C-PTSD, sensory processing differences, ARFID and much more). I often find that the problem isn't a lack of love, effort or commitment. The problem is that their processing styles, communication styles and sensory needs are vastly different. On the outside it can look like dysfunction and a mismatch in partnership, however, with mutual understanding of each other’s flavor of neurodivergence and a commitment to accommodating each other- a lot can change in positive way!
The accommodating each other part is so critical that I feel like some version of ‘I agree to always engage in reciprocal accommodation with you’ should be apart of the vows in marriage of mixed neurotype or disabled couples.
Mainstream relationship adivce is made for neurotypical couples
As an ADHDer with OCD, and a partner who has many autisitc and PDA traits (though he refuses labels so I won’t call him autistic)- I wish I had known to take mainstream relationship advice with a grain of salt. Doing so would have saved many relationship-themed OCD spirals had I understood that what’s different about my relationship isn’t necessarily a problem to be solved, but rather a space where curiosity, the benefit of the doubt and accommodation is needed.
Mainstream relationship advice typically focuses on improving communication. While communication absolutely matters, I think there is something even more foundational when it comes to being in a mixed neurotype relationship.
We have to understand how each person's brain naturally processes the world before we can expect them to communicate in a way that is effective for their partner’s neurotype.
For example, my partner is hyper-literal with communication, which means my hyperbole speaking self is often misperceived as exaggerating or worse, manipulative (before we understood this about ourselves and in the context of heated of arguments).
The goal is not to become more like your partner or communicate one specific way. The goal is to understand each other’s differences and find ways to understand and accommodate each other- and compromise where possible.
We tend to Judge what we don’t understand
Human beings are meaning-making creatures. When someone's behavior doesn't make sense to us, our brains rush to explain it. Unfortunately, we are built to prioritize safety over accuracy. When there is uncertainty, our brains often fill in the blanks with threat based on how we perceive sensory input and based on our attachment wounds from the past.
For example, this is how it can play out:
Example: Your partner needs time before responding and stays quiet while you express a relationship concern, so you keep escalating and repeat things because you don’t feel heard- they approach meltdown-level of overhwelm and walk away without communicating because their ability to formulate words is now impaired by the meltdown.
Your brain says, They're shutting me out. This is stone-walling! They don’t care about me or the relationship!
Neither emotional responses are necessarily wrong in that the feelings are valid, AND, their is a clear misperception fueling the distress that has nothing to do with the actual argument itself. Sound familiar?
One of the most powerful shifts couples can make is learning to replace assumptions with curiosity.
Before deciding what your partner's behavior means, pause long enough to ask yourself another question.
"If I assume they have good intentions, what else could explain what I'm seeing?"
That single question has the power to interrupt countless cycles of conflict and is especially effective if you already understand you and your partner’s neurodivergent experiences.
Something my partner and I like to practice is, after one of us expresses something that lands “off” to the other, we say “I am interpreting what you said as ________, is that accurate?” Often times, it’s not, and this single phrase allows for clarification before things get heated.
We Often unconsciously Choose Partners Who Balance Our Brains
One of my favorite ways to think about mixed neurotype relationships is that we are often drawn towards people whose strengths complement our own. What initially draws us together in the ‘honeymoon’ stage of a relationship can later become parts of contention and difficulty- it’s such an interesting paradox to me! It’s helpful to keep this in mind though, because it allows us to zoom out and appreciate these differences even when they feel challenging in the moment.
Here’s an example of how mixed neurotypes can compliment each other:
Someone with ADHD may be captivated by an autistic partner's steadiness, consistency, honesty and ability to focus on one thing at a time.
Someone who is autistic may feel drawn toward an ADHD partner's spontaneity, emotional expressiveness, creativity and flexibility.
One partner helps the other slow down. The other partner brings adventure and novelty. They offer each other perspectives they don't naturally possess and this can be a growth fostering and energizing experience.
Where things can get tricky
During periods of stress, parenting, burnout, grief, or major life transitions, these same differences can begin to feel like liabilities instead of gifts. This is exactly what I’ve noticed in my mixed neurotype marriage. Times of transition like moving or starting a new job- let alone having our first kid- REALLY through us for a loop.
We had always been an excellent team, and then suddenly it felt like we were opponents. To be totally honest, I really questioned the longevity of our dynamic before I understood what was going on. Thankfully, we ARE good teammates, and we have been able to repair and learn about each other’s brains and needs, including areas where we need to compromise with each other and who takes the lead in which contexts.
For example my partner is practice and efficient, so he takes over tasks like driving, timing, coordinating, planning and preparing. I am energized by relationships, novelty, learning and emotional empathy comes naturally to me (he’s more cognitive empathy oriented). So, I host gatherings with friends and family and know that he will need to take breaks in our room. I take our kid on adventures like a spontaneous trip to Montreal, where he gets enriching cultural experiences. My partner though, he has that nap time routine on lock that we 100% need to not get cranky with each other! Without my partner, I feel like a tornado. And my partner without me— I think he would say he wouldn’t have a ton of new experiences or perspectives.
So, in nutshell:
The partner who once felt grounding might now feel rigid. The partner who once felt spontaneous now might now feel unpredictable or unreliable.
Nothing about the trait itself has changed, but the context has. Stress narrows our window of tolerance and makes it much harder to appreciate differences that once felt complementary. Remembering what originally drew you together can soften the instinct to criticize your partner's way of being.
Monotropism and Polytropism Help Explain So Much
Two concepts that have greatly transformed the way I understand my own mixed neurotype relationship (and my clients) are the concepts of monotropism and polytropism.
Understanding Monotropism
Monotropism describes an attention style that is common in autistic people. What this means is that attention naturally becomes deeply invested in one thing at a time and shifting attention requires energy (and too much shifting, especially if unpredictable, can become incredibly dysregulating).
Deep focus is a strength because it allows for incredible concentration, precision, attention to detail, intentionality and thoughtful analysis. Processing stimuli (like what your partner is saying) happens more so internally than verbally for someone with a monotropic attention style.
Understanding Polytropism
Polytropism describes an attention style that is more common in ADHD. Attention naturally moves between multiple streams of information. Thoughts connect and overlap rapidly and processing frequently happens out loud (where are my hyper-verbal besties at??).
The ADHD brain often notices patterns, emotions, sensory input and creative ideas all at once. This is invigorating, energizing and a huge strength- AND it can be very overwhelming for those with monotropic attention (and let’s be real, it can be overwhelming for the person with a polytropic style too).
Neither style is better or worse, they simply organize attention and sensory input differently. This difference becomes incredibly important during conflict because what looks like shutting down and feels like rejection to the ADHDer may actually be a different processing style trying to recalibrate and follow all the layers of information.
Imagine this example of a mixed neurotype couples’ repeated conflict:
One partner arrives with six different concerns, three emotions, two stories from earlier in the week, one childhood trauma memory that relates to the current concerns and a request for reassurance (in my marriage this is me, haha). Their ADHD brain experiences all of these pieces as interconnected and with an urgency to address it all at once, because that is how it presents in their brain.
Their autistic partner hears six separate conversations arriving simultaneously while trying to understand the first one. This causes near immediate overwhelm especially if the ADHD partner brings things up while the autistic partner is trying to focus on a time sensitive task because their brain operates by focusing on one thing at a time (bonus points if there is a dog barking or toddler whining in the background, adding yet another layer of stimuli that the autistic brain might not be able to filter out).
Neither person is doing anything wrong. However the impact can cause a major rupture. One partner may feel dismissed because responses are delayed, not by minutes but often hours or even days. The other partner may feel flooded because the conversation is moving faster than they can process and they feel their partner is being inconsiderate regarding the timing of bringing up the concerns.
Oof. Just writing that out makes my heart race, the urgency can feel SO urgent for the ADHDer and for the autistic partner, its completely understandable that they would need to take a major pause to reorient.
Once couples understand this difference, many recurring arguments suddenly make sense. The hope then, is that less personalizing of one another’s processing style can allow for more compassion and softness towards one another.
Your Partner’s Processing Speed Is Not the Same as How Much They Care
One misunderstanding I see over and over is the belief that a delayed response reflects emotional distance. For many autistic people (but not all, autistic people are not monoliths and neither are ADHDers), emotional processing simply takes longer. Autistic brains filter though information and sensory input differently and emotions might be harder to identify, making expressing them nearly impossible in the moment (look into alexithymia if that part resonates).
They likely need time to identify what they feel before they can communicate it. They may need to organize their thoughts before speaking. They probably also need to reduce sensory or emotional input before they can fully engage again.
Meanwhile, many people with ADHD process emotions by speaking them right as they pop into our brains.
Talking helps many ADHDers organize their thoughts.
Connection helps calm their nervous system.
Waiting can increase anxiety because it leaves too much room for uncertainty and rejection sensitivity.
One partner seeks closeness by talking and co-regulating. The other partner seeks closeness by internal processing and self-regulating. When neither person understands this, both can end up feeling abandoned or like their needs are less important, despite wanting to stay connected.
Different Doesn't Mean Deficient
One of the greatest harms our culture has done is convincing us that there is one "correct" way to communicate, love, regulate emotions or pay attention. This is ableist and rooted in eugenics logic.
There is no ‘normal’- that is a social construction.
Autistic people are often described as lacking empathy because their empathy may not always look neurotypical (it may be more cognitive based empathy). People with ADHD are often described as too emotional because their emotions are more visible and we prefer to yap about them.
Unfortunately, both of these labels miss the complexity of what is actually happening. Many autistic people experience enormous empathy while expressing and feeling it differently (also- someone’s ability to feel or sense empathy is morally neutral, it’s not a choice). Many people with ADHD have beautifully attuned emotional instincts while struggling with regulating them. When we stop measuring one neurotype against the standards of another, space opens for genuine appreciation.
CUriosity is the Starting Point for deeper Appreciation of Your Partner
Healthy neurodivergent relationships thrive when both partners become curious about each other's operating systems and work hard to check their misperceptions and judgements. Giving your partner the benefit of the doubt sounds easy, but when it also goes up against societal expectations of relationships and how brains work, it can actually be really hard. I am a 34 year old therapist who reads about this stuff all the time and it is still hard for me.
However, it is not impossible and even small shifts towards being curious when it comes to the “why” behind your partner’s behavior can have a very positive impact.
This might look like:
An autistic partner can learn that immediate emotional reassurance may carry tremendous weight for their ADHD partner. Saying “I love you and am comitted to working this out but right now I need space to regulate” is going to land much different than just storming off. Of course, if the autistic partner is near meltdown this is going to be way less accessible and you and your partner may be more successful with a code word (or a saved text script) that the autistic partner can say or text instead of the whole phrase.
An ADHD partner can learn that giving space for processing is often an act of love rather than avoidance. Reminding yourself that this is not personal, that this is because your partner is being very intentional, actually, can help the misperception and impulse to personalize the behavior.
Both partners can learn to externalize what their brains are doing instead of expecting the other person to guess.
Here are some scripts that you and your partner can practice:
"I need a few minutes (or a few hours) to organize my thoughts, I will come back at ‘x’ time."
"My brain is connecting several things at once, I am going to call my best friend (or wait for therapy, journal, etc) first to help me organize what I need to say more clearly."
"I'm feeling overwhelmed, not disconnected."
"I'm asking for reassurance because my nervous system feels on fire and co-regulation helps my brain more than self regulation."
These simple statements reduce the need for mind reading and make invisible neurological processes visible.
Choosing To Perceive with Good Intent
Perhaps the most important practice is choosing good intent, especially when your first instinct (or the cultural narrative around how relationships should be) tells you not to.
Good intent doesn't mean ignoring hurt feelings or pretending everything is okay. It’s also NEVER an excuse for abuse, there is no neurotype that makes someone abusive.
What it does mean is resisting the urge to assign malicious motives to behaviors that are more accurately explained by different neurodivergent processing styles. Your partner is probably not trying to overwhelm you or ignore you. Your partner's brain has a different pathway to finding resolution, realizing this can make a HUGE difference.
There Is Nothing Wrong With Having Different Brains
I don't believe the healthiest relationships are the ones where two people think the same way. Nor do I think healthy relationships have a universal “do this, don’t do that” list that they can follow. I think the healthiest relationships are the ones where both people remain deeply curious about one another, curiosity is the precursor to compassion, afterall. And compassion creates safety and invites connection.
If you are in a mixed neurotype relationship and you keep finding yourselves in the same painful patterns, I hope you know this: the cycle you're stuck in does not necessarily mean you are incompatible.
If you or your partner are navigating ADHD, autism, OCD, eating disorders, or the complexities of a neurodivergent relationship, my practice focuses on providing neurodiversity affirming therapy.
My practice offers therapy for teens and adults in California, Florida, Maryland, Tennessee, Utah and Washington. You can schedule a free 15-minute consultation call to make sure we are a good fit!
